tom segura: mostly stories every race
Get ready to do stuff.” And then you cry for days. – [crowd chuckles] In 1999. It’s gotta be old. And… in this episode they did not send the kids to jail, like they normally do. [laughter] Dude. You know? Like… Don’t you kinda want to tell, like, the other people, “Why doesn’t your group get their shit together, and then you can ascend to the top and then you can oppress other people.” [mixed laughter] Not as many claps on that one. And he’s super nice. You shouldn’t feel badly for enjoying gossip. See you later, dumdum. Like… whenever anybody says to me, “Hey, man. If she likes you, she’ll do it. That scene is so stupid cause they always call each other Bro and Sis, like any fucking people on the planet do that. They’re not. Because every passenger that boards sees him, and they’re like, “Get the fuck out of here.” And they shit their pants. I love those pornos where the guy goes in the doctor’s office. There’s a fucking baby in there… being a baby right now.” And the manager goes, “Some people suck.” And he walked away. Like, I have their personality. But now… I wanted to be the hero and save the movie. Let’s just talk about how good that feels. That’s gotta feel good, right? [sighs] Not too long ago, I met former heavyweight champion of the world Iron Mike Tyson. So… half an hour later, lights are still on, and I go, “What are we doing?” And she goes, “I think we’re gonna divert.” And I go, “Divert? So… I grab a DVD out of my bag, I give it to him. All right? You wouldn’t understand.” Thing is, man, I miss zero part of having a day job. [man] They wanted me to marry one. Thank you! Don’t look at me.” He knows it. I’ll kill us both, I swear to God I will.” God forbid I meet a tall person now, like— If you’re over six-four, there’s no way I’m not addressing it. “I’m sowwy.” “Yeah, me too.” [laughter] Crazy. [laughter] In prison. I can’t even— I can’t even describe how much better it feels. !” – Like none of it made sense. He gets it.” – [laughter] And then you go, “I want to skip.” And they’re like— [chuckling] “Don’t even think about that. Comedian.” [laughter] “Mostly stories. Just eight, ten seconds and it’s your world, man.” You’re like, “Oh, my God!” – It’s like that, but down here. Is this not registering to you? Okay? I love it, I told my wife, and now we have scrubs. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again. I don’t even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be healthy. So, whatever.” It’s a seed, right? And it says, “Chris killed six people, and he’s doing a double life sentence.” Like, this dude is so bad that when he dies and he’s reincarnated, that guy is doing life in prison also. I think we’re dying. Let us know what you think of the website. You can pick up his new album, Thrilled, on iTunes. It’s parted in the middle. [crowd chuckles] Here’s all I’m saying. – [laughter] Can I get this fucking straight for a second? Like…” – [laughter] Right? It’s not the same family standing out front and then they see me and they’re like, “Oh, there he is. What’s up, fat boy? I’m watching the movie and I hear, “Waaah.” “What?” I turn, and in the row behind me there’s a mother, a father and a baby. [mumbling] I can’t stretch. All right. Asians. Fuckin’— the alarm goes off, and you go, “Motherfucker!” [laughter] “Today’s gonna suck!” [laughter] “But I’m gonna talk shit about Amanda when I get there.” And then that… raises your spirit right? I met Tyson.” Ten seconds later, I’m sitting in my seat and I hear, “Tom?” [laughter] “Yes, Mike Tyson?” He goes, “Were you on television recently?” And I go, “Mm-mmm.” He goes, “Are you sure?” And I go, “Yeah, I think so.” And he goes, “Nothing?” And I go, “I mean, I’m on Netflix.” And he goes, “I fucking love Netflix.” [laughter] “Okay.” He goes, “What’s your favorite show on Netflix, Tom?” I go, “Are we really doing this right now? What? Don’t you feel better about everything right now? Remember… elementary school, and you get to the first day of, whatever, third grade, and you’re like, “Where’s Brian?” They’re like, “He skipped.” “Excuse me? Hands down. I love them. That would be the best program, if they were like, “If you kill it this year, you have the best year, at the end of the year, a magical fairy or government official will come to your house… and they go, ‘You crushed it this year. Enjoy millions of the latest Android apps, games, music, movies, TV, books, magazines & more. Listen to your favorite songs from Mostly Stories [Explicit] by Tom Segura Now. That’s universal. The materials archived, stored, and presented here, are copyrighted by their respective contributors, and may not be saved, re-transmitted, republished, or reformatted by any means, electronic or mechanical. Put some water in my bowl. [crowd cheering] Yup. But you don’t. Try disabling any ad blockers and refreshing this page. So… [laughter] People are like, “What the fuck?” No! Don’t worry about it. Seattle, you’re the best. Yeah!”, Oh, man. Yeah, you guys are… You’re nodding. Some of them are cool. I like the movie. So, I’m gonna get a peanut butter protein shake. If that doesn't work, please visit our help page. – Hold mah pocket!” – [crowd chuckles] And he makes kids walk around holding the inside of his pocket. What’ll it take?” “Boop. The next day, I’m sitting in my hotel room, and I get a text message from Mike Tyson. You know when you can hear somebody’s age in their voice? Ohh. Chris has scars on his face, and the screen freezes. I just feel like I’ve done a lot and I’ve seen a lot. I don’t know. I think women should judge men equally and harshly. I should point out I saw a different movie. [laughter] I send it to him, and the phone rings. That’s too early for the red-eye. Great actor. When he laughs at himself it's mostly about being fat, even though I don't think he's really fat, but at least he's not ashamed of making fun of himself. – [laughter] Oh, man. First movie, I’m in there five minutes. I don’t even know how it’s attainable. So he walks, and then they’re like— [nervous chuckle] I don’t know what you know about prison, but if you’re holding onto another dude’s pocket, – it’s gonna be a rough day. This is a good boost for me. I have a friend that’s tall.” Dude, you just told a grown man you have a fucking friend that’s tall. Mm-mm-mm-mm. – Um, they have one. Here’s what a piece of shit I am. The prisoner goes, “Why you here?” And the kid’s like… “Ugh. Don’t act like— whenever you— If you’re a guy and you see a nurse, you always are like… “Maybe she’ll suck it.” Like that. Ugh. So… – [laughter] Yeah. That’s fucking brilliant. I don’t even know where I’m at!” [laughter, cheering] “Can I get me a ‘crassant? – [laughter] I’ll be driving. What’s she all about? I think I was.” He goes, “You look like it.


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